Anger must have something strong to hit against. If there is no response, no feedback, anger dissipates.
(John Lash)
Quietly hostile
Passive aggressive people are often quite hostile and sometimes unwittingly
vindictive.
Unfortunately, they are unaware of this and see themselves as being unable to
behave in that way.
It contradicts their own self image.
Instead of being openly hostile, the passive aggressive person is evasive and
indirect.
They avoid addressing their problems. They avoid improving their relationships.
Here are some examples of this behaviour:
putting people down in a sarcastic way
malicious gossip
deny that they have any problems with their relationships
avoid discussions about unpleasant topics
talk about others in a negative or disparaging way, yet are nice and friendly to their faces
make people look foolish by letting them down
talk about change but take no action whatsoever
show a consistent pattern of exerting no effort toward improving their relationships
minimize the extent of the problems facing them in their relationships
continue to deny that a problem exists when all the evidence points to the opposite
Mumbling
Speaking is the primary form of human communication. It serves to express
ideas and feelings.
Mumbling is a common occurrence amongst passive aggressive people.
By mumbling, the passive aggressive person is once again withholding honest,
open communication.
They are failing to express their inner feelings.
Imagine that talking is like throwing a ball to another person...
You need to throw the ball to the person your are interacting with. They need to
be able to catch it.
If you hurl the ball randomly off in any direction, this lessens the chance of
the catcher receiving the ball.
Clear, direct, open speech improves the likelihood of other people hearing what
you have to say and understanding the intended message.
Mumbling assumes that the listener is prepared to be patient.
Eventually most people grow tired of asking the mumbler to repeat themselves and
give up.
They simply pretend to hear, but do not.
The person who is mumbling may realise that other people are not listening to
them and feels increasingly marginalised.
A talker
Not all passive aggressive people mumble. Others love to talk but their
words seldom have import.
They talk rather than act.
Words are used as a veil to hide behind.
The passive aggressive person feels safe behind a screen of 'lies and evasions'.
Overcoming passive aggressive behaviour
If you behave in a passive aggressive way, and want to do something about
it, there are options:
be assertive, open, and honest
admit your negative feelings and anger
contemplate your own behaviour, especially when it is inconsistent or dishonest
look for the root of your conduct in each situation: what is making you upset?
be in the moment, addressing your problem as it is happening
behave in a manner that is consistent with your feelings
interact with people in a more honest way
admit that you are a liar
be honest, even if it causes contention
you do not need to agree with everyone
consider how irrational you are when you become angry
learn to compromise
speak clearly, simply and honestly
Become genuine
Ignoring passive aggressive behaviour is foolish. It will not simply go away.
Your daily interaction with people demonstrates the truth of your conduct.
Pretending that you are friendly and nice is a fallacy when you behave in a
manner which contradicts this.
Talking with a soft voice is a deceit when your heart is hard and unyielding.
The journey of a thousand miles may start with one step, but that step entails
doing something.
Taking action. Being committed.
If you are earnest enough to take one step and have the integrity to take
another, each step will lead somewhere.
Do not be disheartened. Do not give in to hate. Have courage. Be strong.
Page created 13 March 2001