Those
who are defensive do not understand.
Those who understand have nothing to defend.
(Lao Tzu)
Child-like openness
Children often behave inappropriately. They say and do things that shock
adults.
The codes of conduct that govern adult society are largely unknown to children.
Children are (in many ways) true to their natures.
Taoism and zen encourage a person to return to a condition of innocence.
To see the world anew. Without the ugly illusions created by modern industrial
society and commerce.
Unfortunately, many people who seek a 'spiritual path' fake such child-like
conduct.
They carefully cultivate an image and hide behind the conceit.
Calm? Oh, really?
Tai chi attracts a wide spread of potential students.
Many people are drawn to the idea of being calm and laid back, at peace with
existence.
We come across countless people with soft voices and hard eyes. People with
dreadlocks, tattoos, friendly clothes but inner hostility.
Sadly, they often think that dressing calm and affecting a peaceful demeanour is
the same as actually being composed and detached.
We find out quite quickly that many of the seemingly calm people are actually
very angry inside.
They mask it with an image.
Zen has no time for facade. It is hard enough to come to terms with reality
without hiding your own nature.
Inward aggression
Not everyone shows their anger outwardly. Many people brood inwardly and
a quiet kind of anger develops.
This inner anger is never expressed through overt action or confrontation.
It is manifested in small ways, through pettiness and dishonesty. Stubbornness.
Awkwardness.
People who feel angry inside find their lives changed by the pent-up emotion.
It twists their behaviour in unpleasant ways.
The anger becomes second-nature and involuntary. The person ceases to be
consciously aware of it.
Passive aggressive behaviour
Here are some examples of passive aggressive behaviour:
act contrary to your feelings
act contrary to your word
afraid to show your anger openly
agree with something when you do not really agree with it
ambiguity
avoid conflict at all cost by giving in to others, only to deceive them
avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
blame other people for your own mistakes
chronic lateness and forgetfulness
complaining
failure to be true to your word
failure to take responsibility
falsehood and benevolent-seeming behaviour
fear of intimacy
feel pressured to act or believe in a certain way when you really do not want to
hide your hostility by seeming to be nice to someone you dislike
inability to be honest about your true feelings
intentional inefficiency
lie habitually
losing things
making excuses
obstructionism
procrastination
quietly manipulate to get your own way, rather than be honest
resentment
resists suggestions from others
sarcasm
stubbornness
sullenness
tell people what they want to hear
This is not an exhaustive list. It simply provides an indication of what
'passive aggressive' behaviour means.
Passive aggressive
A passive aggressive person often has a poor self-image and low self
esteem.
They blame other people for their situation. They feel disempowered and unable
to change things.
Instead of dealing with problems, they always back down publicly.
Rather than have a confrontation, the passive aggressive person acts sneakily.
They lie and deceive. They give their word but do not keep it. They mumble
rather than speak clearly.
Sadly, a passive aggressive person actually reinforces their situation by
behaving in a manner that encourages other people to mistrust them.
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Page created 13 March 2001