Good manners have much to do with emotions.
To make them ring true, one must feel them, not merely exhibit them.
(Amy Vanderbilt)
Protocol/tradition/formality
The danger with 'manners' is that people often think immediately of
protocol, tradition and formality.
When you interact with people who work in the service industries it is
likely that you will encounter the appearance of manners.
The appearance of manners has no substance. Such manners are merely a
professional job requirement.
They represent a superficial act: a
formality.
Phoney behaviour is insincere.
It has no integrity.
Protocol is a shield that people hide behind.
It enables them to wear a mask and play a part.
Real manners stem from sensitivity and consideration.
They are not something you can learn by rote.
Gratitude
In thanking somebody, be direct and honest. But do not make too much
of your gratitude.
If you fuss, you may embarrass the recipient and your gratitude will seem
insincere. A pantomime.
Earnest behaviour is always best. Make your thanks brief and meaningful.
Tact
What is 'tact'? It is the art of avoiding offence.
Tact is a hard quality to cultivate. If you are overly tactful, you run the
risk of becoming phoney.
If you lack tact entirely, you will insult people without realising it.
Perhaps the skill is to avoid controversy and opinion?
Get to know the person you are talking to before venturing anything
potentially offensive?
The danger with tact is that you do not want to censor yourself entirely for
fear of upsetting somebody.
The truth is that you will always upset someone.
What offends one person will most likely not offend another. We all have
different values.
Maybe the main thing is to avoid being deliberately contentious?
A sense of humour helps.
Tact can also involve withholding information.
This should not be undertaken with the intention of deceit, but rather to
spare hurt or unnecessary concern.
Sincere
How do you define 'good manners'? This is inevitably going to vary from
person to person.
What should not vary is the importance of sincerity. Being genuine and real
is always significant.
Phoney behaviour represents a desire to 'play' somebody, and this is an
unpleasant motive.
Polite
Being polite takes very little effort.
It is not about remembering to behave a certain
way.
It is about listening. It is about respect. It is about being
patient.
Listen
When you listen to someone, your attention should be entirely upon them and
you should be mindful of their needs and character.
Do not sit waiting for your turn to speak.
Be fully engaged with the other person - absorb what they are saying, notice
the message, the gaps and the omissions.
Be aware of body language and intent.
Respect
Everyone deserves your respect, even people who do little to earn it.
When you show respect to every person you encounter, you encourage
reciprocal conduct.
You lose nothing by being respectful. By being honest and open. Genuine and
direct. Real.
Patience
Patience is becoming more scarce in
modern society.
Yet, it is such a valuable commodity.
It arises from awareness and understanding.
From realising that things unfold in their own time and cannot be forced or
bullied into being.
Patience grows from waiting.
Nature has its own rhythm and its own timing.
Only the calm, composed person will see this and respond accordingly.
Allowing things to happen is essential.
Quiet detachment.
The willingness to follow the changes.
Attention. Awareness. Insight.
Page created 11 February 2006