Traveller, there is no path,
Paths are made by walking.
(Antonio Machado)
Intimate strangers
Many people in long term relationships feel that they are living with a
stranger.
There is a sense of isolation and loneliness despite the apparent intimacy of
living together.
As time passes, routine and familiarity replace closeness and caring.
Love is lost within the tedium of the mundane; emotional distance grows.
Sex becomes a habit and often that fades.
At some point, the relationships dies and nobody has the motivation to
resuscitate it.
Talking
Communicating with your partner is essential.
It is easy to chat about work, friends, current affairs or gossip - but this is
not really talking.
Conversing on a superficial level is fine for associates but you are not work
colleagues.
Not every conversation needs to be some
psychoanalytical investigation or a philosophical debate but it is nice to make
time for one another and to actually listen.
Having an interest in your partner is important:
What do they think?
How are they doing?
Are they coping with things?
Do they need support?
Often we are too caught up in the routine of our own lives to notice the person
we are most intimate with.
Who else are we that close to?
Listening matters more than talking but talking can start things off.
Ignoring
Sometimes problems exist within a relationship and nobody feels
comfortable discussing them.
Ignoring them is a common reaction.
The very nature of 'ignorance' means that you have acknowledged their
existence but choose not to do anything.
This is not a healthy attitude.
Discovering
Taoism invites people to understand that not
everything will go your way all the time.
Life involves a variety of different events.
We label events 'good' or 'bad' depending upon whether they give us pleasure or
not.
If there are problems in your relationship, it is useful to find out what they
are.
Talking may not work, so how about another approach?
Writing the problem down may help.
Swap notes with your partner.
If you do not tell your partner how you really feel and what you really want,
how will they know?
Emotion
Being close requires emotional intimacy.
This is more complex than mere talking and is often beyond words.
Emotional extremes such as shouting or crying are a sure sign that a
relationship has unresolved problems.
Some problems can be caused by outside influences and these are difficult to
resolve quickly.
Other problems can be internal and pertain to how you relate as a couple.
Emotional intimacy can be developed by taking time to be with
your partner.
Listening, caring, helping and touching will all encourage an improved emotional
relationship.
Sex
Sexual problems are a common source of stress.
Irregular sex can lead to a build up of unspoken tension within a relationship
and neither partner realises that sex is the problem.
Ironically, sexual problems can be the easiest to
resolve but they need to be communicated first.
Even long term couples may not really know what arouses their partner;
people can be shy or afraid to share ideas for fear of disapproval.
Sometimes individuals have very little sense of their own
turn-ons.
Sex can be treated as a journey of personal discovery, a journey with your partner that will
revitalise your relationship.
With good humour, trust and imagination - it can be an exciting way of
getting to know one another again.
And the best part of all is that sex is very good for your health.
Page created 19 December 1999